The Role of Money in Couples Therapy: Understanding and Resolving Financial Conflicts
As a marriage and family therapist, I frequently witness the profound impact finances have on couple conflicts, marital dissatisfaction, and the threat of divorce or breakup. Money is an undeniable source of stress in relationships, often acting as both a trigger and a symbol of deeper underlying issues.
Research conducted by renowned couples’ expert Dr. John Gottman identifies poor communication as one of the leading predictors of divorce. A significant area where communication often breaks down is around money. Financial disagreements can range from day-to-day budgeting to major life decisions, creating recurring conflicts that challenge even the strongest of relationships.
In Gottman Couples Therapy, money is often categorized as a "perpetual difference"—a recurring issue that is 69% likely to persist throughout the relationship. Unlike solvable problems, perpetual issues are typically rooted in personality traits, upbringing, or values, making them more difficult to fully resolve.
Why Is Money Such a Persistent Issue in Relationships?
Money is often more than just a practical matter—it’s deeply tied to emotions, values, and personal identity. When partners have different financial habits or priorities, conflicts can feel like a threat to the relationship's stability.
Examples of financial conflicts include:
One partner prefers to save while the other enjoys spending.
Diverging financial priorities: one values long-term investments, while the other prioritizes immediate gratification.
Differing attitudes toward debt, financial risk, or lifestyle spending.
For couples preparing for marriage, money discussions can become even more contentious. Common areas of disagreement include:
Whether to manage finances jointly or separately.
How to approach tax filings (jointly or individually).
Determining who will take on the role of primary breadwinner.
Setting limits on discretionary spending versus necessities.
Deciding when and how to take on debt and how to repay it.
These conflicts often persist because they reflect core differences in upbringing, personality, or values rather than temporary disagreements.
How Financial Issues Influence Every Corner of a Relationship
Money touches nearly every aspect of a couple's life together, influencing daily decisions, long-term goals, and the overall sense of fairness and partnership in the relationship. Some key areas where financial issues arise include:
1. Everyday Life Decisions
Financial decisions influence where a couple will live, whether they’ll rent or buy a home, and even how often they’ll travel. These choices can spark debates over budgeting, saving, and spending priorities. Money also determines whether external financial contributions or influences from family members will be allowed, further complicating dynamics.
2. Quid Pro Quos in Relationships
Money can create imbalances when one partner feels entitled to certain privileges because of their financial contributions. For example, the primary breadwinner may expect reduced responsibilities for housework or childcare. Conversely, resentment can build when one partner feels they’re undervalued or viewed solely as a financial provider.
3. Perceptions of (Ir)Responsibility
Disagreements over financial responsibility can take many forms. One partner may be perceived as irresponsible for spending too freely or not earning enough. On the other hand, a workaholic partner may prioritize financial success over family and relationship obligations.
Financial infidelity—such as hiding debts, gambling, or spending on vices—can erode trust and create significant friction. Joint funds misused for secretive purposes or extended loans to family and friends can also cause deep resentment.
4. Pre-Nuptial and Post-Nuptial Agreements
Financial discussions become particularly sensitive when one partner introduces a pre-nuptial or post-nuptial agreement. Pre-nups, often suggested before marriage, can feel transactional and undermine the romantic ideals of a relationship. For example, requesting a pre-nup just weeks before a long-planned wedding can feel like a betrayal.
Post-nuptial agreements, introduced later in the relationship, can trigger feelings of mistrust or rejection. These agreements often stem from significant financial changes, such as starting a business or receiving an inheritance. For the less wealthy partner, such requests can feel like an indication that their partner is preparing for the marriage to fail. Meanwhile, the wealthier partner may feel justified in protecting their assets.
Can Couples Counseling Help Address Financial Issues?
The short answer is yes. Couples therapy offers a supportive environment where partners can explore their financial values, habits, and fears with the guidance of a trained professional. Therapists help couples develop strategies to manage financial conflicts, improve communication, and strengthen their emotional connection.
In couples therapy, couples learn to:
Understand each other’s financial values: By examining their personal histories and attitudes toward money, partners can better understand the root of their differences.
Validate each other’s perspectives: Therapists encourage empathy and teach active listening skills to promote mutual respect.
Develop conflict management tools: Strategies like softened startups and active listening help prevent escalation during financial disagreements.
Financial crises and other significant disruptions in life—what author Bruce Feiler calls "life quakes" in his book Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age—often bring unresolved money issues to the forefront. For more information on dealing with life quakes, see my prior article here.
Life quakes, whether voluntary (career changes, marriage) or involuntary (illness, divorce), can wreak havoc on a couple’s relationship. In such moments, therapy becomes invaluable in addressing these challenges head-on.
A Unique Skillset for Managing Financial Conflicts
Before becoming a licensed marriage and family therapist, I spent over 20 years as an attorney specializing in financial litigation. My work involved analyzing complex financial situations, particularly those involving high-net-worth individuals and corporate reorganizations. This background equips me with a unique perspective and skill set for navigating financial disputes in relationships.
In therapy, I integrate my legal expertise with emotionally focused and Gottman-based approaches to help couples address financial challenges holistically. My goal is to help clients move beyond surface-level conflicts to explore the deeper emotional needs driving their financial disagreements.
How Therapy Can Help Couples Reframe Financial Conflicts
As a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, I help clients uncover the emotional roots of their financial disputes, such as a desire for security, independence, or status. By addressing these underlying needs, couples can approach money discussions with greater compassion and creativity.
As a Gottman-trained therapist, I guide couples through the following steps:
Accept Influence: Learning to value and incorporate each other’s perspectives rather than insisting on their own way.
Identify Shared Goals: Establishing financial objectives that align with both partners’ values, such as saving for a home, planning for retirement, or budgeting for travel.
Reframe Conflicts: Viewing financial disagreements as opportunities for growth and understanding rather than threats to the relationship.
Create Win-Win Scenarios: Developing practical solutions that honor both partners’ dreams, such as creating separate discretionary budgets to allow for individual spending preferences.
By addressing financial conflicts in therapy, couples can develop the tools they need to build trust, foster emotional intimacy, and create a shared vision for their financial future.
Take Action to Strengthen Your Relationship
Money doesn’t have to be a barrier to the relationship you’ve always wanted. Addressing financial issues early can help you and your partner navigate challenges, build trust, and strengthen your bond.
If you or someone you know is struggling with financial conflicts in their relationship, professional support with couples therapy is just a call or email away.
I offer counseling for adults and couples in Fort Lauderdale and Plantation, Florida. I also provide online couples therapy for those who reside in Florida.
Contact me for your complimentary consultation at 954-391-5305 so we can discuss how I can help you on your journey toward a healthier, happier partnership.