Navigating Attunement in Affair Recovery: Embracing the Messy Middle Stage
In prior articles, I've discussed the three stages of affair recovery based on the Gottman couples training methods: Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment. Each stage is unique, and you can read more about it in my previous article.
This article delves into Stage Two: Attunement, providing guidance for navigating this challenging part of the affair recovery process.
Stage One Review: Atonement
The Atonement Stage begins when an affair is discovered, an event that often shakes the couple to their core. Couples describe this stage as an emotional rollercoaster, filled with unpredictable ups and downs and a world turned upside down. Here, the couple must confront the painful reality of betrayal.
Initial shock and trauma can be overwhelming, leading to intense emotions such as anger, sadness, and confusion. Some couples bypass therapy or delay seeking help, risking their relationship's stability. Others may find the pain of betrayal unbearable, leading to quick separations; or they may return to the status quo, missing the chance to affair-proof their marriage.
In therapy, I encourage clients to tap into their internal and external resources, fostering resilience and a renewed commitment to each other.
Delving Deeper into Stage Two: Attunement
The Attunement Stage, which I affectionately call the "messy middle," focuses on restoring broken connections between partners. This stage is vital for rebuilding trust and intimacy and addressing the underlying issues that may have contributed to the affair.
The Cascade of Events Leading to Infidelity
Once emotions stabilize and the trauma from the betrayal subsides, we may explore the elements of John Gottman’s research on the stages of disconnection that lead to an affair. While he describes 24 steps devolving into affair territory, I’ll summarize the stages this way:
Initial Spark: Relationships begin with excitement and connection, but as life unfolds, partners may feel adrift in routine.
Emotional Disconnection: Conversations become mundane, and the bond feels like a chasm between them.
Resentment Builds: Distance can lead to minor irritations escalating into major conflicts.
Seeking Validation: One partner may seek validation outside the relationship, leading to flirtation and eventually an emotional affair.
Secrecy and Guilt: What starts as an innocent connection quickly evolves into a physical affair, wrapped in secrecy and lies.
Exploring the weak links opening a couple up to betrayal is in no way intended to foist blame on the betrayed, nor excuse the betrayer of his/her infidelity; rather it is intended to observe the subtle ways we turn away from each other over time, and show the couple how to return to connection once they identify their patterns or cycles disconnection and protection.
Because exploring vulnerabilities in a relationship can be painful, using the empathic and accepting stance of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy can be beneficial. By reframing events through an attachment lens, partners can recognize how emotional wounds lead to hiding and eroding bonds over time. As the Integral Therapist, I blend the best of the tools and learning I have regarding affair recovery, to tailor treatment to the couple’s unique situation.
Goals of the Attunement Stage
The goal of attunement is to create a deeper emotional connection and foster mutual understanding. During this stage, the betraying partner must maintain honesty and empathy, being transparent about their actions and actively listening to their partner's pain. The betrayed partner continues to work on expressing their emotions constructively and being open to forgiveness.
Beware of Turbulence
One big warning at this stage: It can be turbulent and unpredictable, with both partners feeling exhausted by the ongoing stress of recovery. Rebuilding trust is not linear, and setbacks are common. Vulnerabilities are examined, and the principle of "walls and windows" is emphasized for security.
This principle was popularized by psychologist Shirley Glass. It teaches us that couples should maintain open communication while keeping solid boundaries with those outside the marriage. This ensures that neither spouse engages in behavior that could sabotage the relationship.
Gentleness is Craved
As the couple lingers in the attunement stage, the betraying partner often craves gentleness and connection, requiring empathy and endurance when the betrayed partner cannot meet their needs. Hard as this is, I encourage couples not to quit on a bad day and to focus on the relationship they want.
While a betrayed partner may struggle with anger that may flare up suddenly at this stage, the betraying partner may struggle to articulate feelings of reassurance and refraining from defensiveness. They may feel beaten down by guilt or shame and feel they have no room to ask for relief or understanding. Communication issues often arise as they may perceive accusations rather than constructive dialogue.
This stage is about learning to turn toward each other in moments of distress instead of turning away. It involves practicing patience, understanding, and non-defensive responses.
Tips for Effective Attunement
Key strategies for attunement in relationships include:
Awareness of Negative Emotions: Recognizing and addressing negative emotions constructively is essential.
Turning Toward Each Other: Actively seek connection through small gestures of affection.
Fostering Tolerance and Understanding: Be patient and empathetic, recognizing that healing takes time.
Non-Defensive Responses: Respond to each other’s emotions without defensiveness, being open to feedback.
Building Empathy: Understand and share each other’s feelings to foster a deeper emotional connection.
Moving Forward Together
As the couple stabilizes and attunes, we foster their attachment, a stage where trust may grow to a point where sex can again feel safe, and fear of abandonment or mistrust may be mindfully managed as a stressor, but with less charge and volatility.
Given the precarious nature of moving through stages of affair recovery, couples are encouraged to maintain activities that strengthen their bond:
Schedule Regular Date Nights: Create time for connection and enjoyment.
Establish Daily Rituals: Simple routines, like having morning coffee together, can foster closeness.
Participate in Joint Projects: Working together on projects like gardening or home improvement fosters teamwork and collaboration.
Explore New Experiences: Weekend getaways or local adventures can create positive memories.
Seek Support from Friends and Family: Surround yourselves with loved ones who support your recovery process.
Consider Therapy: Individual or couples therapy with a relationship expert who is knowledgeable about affair recovery can provide valuable guidance and support.
While some couples may not make it through the attunement stage, this process can still be a valuable learning experience. Even if the relationship ends, the lessons learned can help both partners grow and move forward positively. As a therapist, my role is to guide them compassionately through this journey.
Conclusion: The Journey of Affair Recovery
Affair recovery is complex and challenging, but it is possible with commitment, empathy, and support. By understanding and navigating the stages of Atonement and Attunement, couples can rebuild trust and create a stronger, more resilient relationship. Whether they stay together or part ways, the journey through affair recovery can lead to personal growth and a deeper understanding of themselves and each other.
If you need additional support as you navigate the aftermath of an affair or the affair recovery process, contact me for your complimentary phone consultation at 954-391-5305.
I provide counseling for adults and couples at our beautiful Fort Lauderdale and Plantation offices. I also offer online counseling via our secure telehealth platform.
You don’t have to do this alone, let me help you and your partner recover!
